I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
