Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
