i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
