i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
