our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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