i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
