I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
