i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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