just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.