I think my vagina is haunted
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.