I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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