I just saw a hot homeless man
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
