I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Someone signed my nipple.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
