Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
