I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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