I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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