you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize