dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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