When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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