Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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