remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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