wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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