I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
