sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Small penises have feelings too.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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