i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
