I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
