Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
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OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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