Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
me + whiskey = a bad person
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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