Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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