I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
There's always time for handjobs
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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