We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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