At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
