i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works