I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
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so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
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You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳