This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
