I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
