just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
