My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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