I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
