Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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