Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I got inside last night via doggy door
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
