when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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