Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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