Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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