i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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