i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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