Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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