Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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