Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
