when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
