we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We have started to decorate penises.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I lost the right to judge tonight
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
