not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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