I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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