I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
