somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
