Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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