I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
