dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I need a beard to bite.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
