and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
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Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
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In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen