I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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