Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
