I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
